5. American Goalie Tim Howard Scores Goal in English Premier League - In the highly anticipated EPL debut of American darling Landon Donovan, it was his Everton teammate and compatriot Tim Howard who emerged as the team's top goal scorer. Why is this interesting to anyone otherwise completely bored by soccer? Because Tim Howard is the goalie. And when goalies score goals, people want to see (if only to point and laugh at the humiliated opposing goalie). Despite the spectacular 100-yard kick, Everton lost the match to Bolton 2-1.
How to use it in a sentence: "Too bad Donovan couldn't take a cue from his keeper and add a goal of his own."
4. Heat Win Without Dwyane Wade - The Miami Heat are the best team in the NBA, leading the Eastern Conference with a 6-1 record. Last night they knocked off Indiana 118-83, even without their star point guard Dywane Wade who sat out the game while nursing a foot injury. Much to everyone-who-is-not-a-Heat-fan's chagrin, LeBron James scored 33 points and added 13 assists, however he did sprain his ankle late in the third quarter and is questionable for tonight's game (cue the Nelson Muntz laugh).
How to use it in a sentence: "It's all in Chris Bosh's big, dumb hands now."
3. Cubs Trade Carlos Zambrano to Marlins - The Chicago Cubs are the longest suffering franchise in baseball all of professional sports, and this morning they departed with their long-suffering, emotionally unstable pitcher. Zambrano heads to the Miami Marlins in return for pitcher Chris Volstad after 11 seasons as a Cubbie in which he compiled 125 wins, 14 dugout tantrums, 3 complete psychotic meltdowns, and 1 famously smashed Gatorade dispenser.
How to use it in a sentence: "This might actually work out well for both teams, except for the Cubs."
2. Temple upsets #3 Duke in Men's College Basketball - Duke is to college basketball as the Monstars are to whatever intergalactic cartoon league Space Jam takes place in, but not because Bill Murray is needed to defeat them. Sometimes it merely takes a tough defensive team and a sharp-shooting guard to topple the Blue Devils, which is exactly what the Temple Owls led by Khalif Wyatt did last night as they knocked off the #3 ranked Duke team 78-73 at home. It was the first Temple win over Mike Krzyzewski and gang since Jan. 25, 1996.
How to use it in a sentence: "The last time Temple beat Duke, I still hated Duke."
1. West Virginia Routs Clemson in Orange Bowl - The bowl games your more masculine friends and co-workers have been talking about these past couple of weeks have nothing to do with freaky breakfast habits, but rather the post-season college football match-ups between the nation's Division 1 best teams. In last night's 78th annual Orange Bowl, the West Virginia Mountaineers blew the stripes off the favored Clemson Tigers, scoring a bowl-record 70 points to Clemson's 33.
How to use it in a sentence: "Orange you glad you're not a Clemson fan?"
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