The early bird gets the abs. Shine and grind, everyone. Shine. And grind.

On the Internet, no one knows whether or not you're a genius. Austen "A-Train" Lane tweeted out this wonderful Monday schedule to all of his fans, presumably to make those with 9-5 jobs really unhappy. Whether or not this schedule is totally real is hard to say — athlete Twitter accounts are already too close to Dada-esque performance art for comfort — because these are all things we believe athletes would do, but not necessarily things athletes would write down. Otherwise, every page of Tom Brady's schedule would read "Resist urge to photograph penis (All Day)". On the other hand, this is a really savvy prank for someone who's only been at the Twitter game long enough to get 6,200 followers (seriously, someone give this brilliant idiot a #FF). Hard to pull off Also, two tweets later, A-Train  sent out this masterwork of mental gymnastics:

Is this an athlete tweet or James Joyce?

First of all, "If Ke$ha has taught us anything" is an automatically disqualifying phrase. Secondly, who is testing positive for love in this sentence. Ke$ha? Hope Solo? Did Austen Lane give Hope Solo performance-enhancing love? This is why, when faced with the terrible and incomprehensible beauty of the world, it's best just to laugh and say "Heh. Call of Duty at 4:15 pm. Wonder what he's doing five minutes later?"