Melissa Mesenbring gives Michael Phelps the Damien Hirst treatment.

There are professional sports, and then there are the Olympics - pure, amateur, drug-free, unsullied. There are professional craftspeople, and then there is Etsy - pure, amateur, drug-neutral, innocent. The only major difference between the two is that the Olympics has qualifiers. We're not saying there are not world-class products on Etsy, we're just saying that if they were the Olympics, Usain Bolt would be running next to the guy who jogs to work and shows up looking and smelling like someone wrung out the Swamp Thing all over his clothes. Here are some of the most amateur, clueless, and in most cases absolutely nonsensical Olympic-themed offerings on everyone's mom's favorite craft site:

That's an old dress hanger with two pieces of wood. We're all clear on that, right?
 

Acrylic yarn with polyester fiberfill! This WILL make a great torch! What could be better?
 

OH I KNOW, WHY NOT PUT IT IN A PLANT FOR NO REASON?
 

Olympic mustache. You know. Like the mustaches in the Olympics.
 

Worth buying maybe but probably definitely not. 
 

Man, the Winter Olympics get no respect. Neither do little black girls. Just, wow.
 

The sheep this yarn came from can run a 9.72 100m sprint.
 

Like the Olympics but hate the lack of corporate sponsorship? Just shoehorn Disney in!
 

Like all gymnasts, she is ritually devoured after winning gold. Also, she was holding the torch?