The sixth annual National Texting Championships was last night (yes, it's a thing) and for the second year in a row, 17-year-old Austin Weirschke won, taking home $50,000. However, we refuse to consider him a real texting champion, A.) because that's not a real thing and never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever will be and B.) because all they made him do was text "Twinkle twinkle little star" blindfolded and text random phrases backwards and other tasks that are really hard but have nothing to do with texting. Texting isn't about typing letters. Texting is about embarassing yourself. Texting is about risking the lives of people on the road. Texting is about slowly losing the ability to speak that humans developed over thousands of years. Also, sending people pictures of your genitals because, otherwise, how would anyone see them?
Oh and here's a video of the real compeitition if you care. Which you shouldn't.