Australia (#10 - 35 medals, 7 gold)

The Australian tourism board wants to remind you it's always Spring Break in some hemisphere.
 

Germany (#6 - 44 medals, 11 gold)

German sprinters never win because they prefer running exactly 10 seconds.
 

Japan (#11 - 38 medals, 7 gold)

Robotokyo will be competing against Cyberdubai to host the 2036 games.
 

Russia (#4 - 82 medals, 24 gold)

All the petrodollars in the world can't buy you friends. Not cool ones, anyway.
 

South Africa (#24 - 6 medals, 3 gold)

You still get the gold for overcoming horrific racial segregation policies, how 'bout that?
 

Saudi Arabia (#79 - 1 medal)

I guess they don't care about gold that isn't black and underground. Also, rights.
 

Canada (#36 - 18 medals, 1 gold)

Dozens of American friends were verbally assaulted over email.
 

Cameroon (no rank - no medals)

There are many different ways to win at the Olympics.
 

Ireland (#41 - 5 medals, 1 gold)

The Irish. Not the best athletes, but good at hitting with ladyfists and words.