I think I finally "get" American Apparel now.

Hazing. It seems like something that should happen at the beginning of baseball season. It also seems like something that should be private, and focused on team building. Most importantly, the people being punished should not be the paying customers of a baseball game. Nevertheless, the Tampa Bay Rays sent out their rookies yesterday dressed like slutty Skittles to sing the universally-despised "Call Me Maybe", and subjected Fenway Stadium to its harshest embarrassment since the entire 20th Century.

Call me embarrassed for everyone in Boston on this day.

Just like Rush Limbaugh warned. Our universities are left-of-center.

Hey, we're not the kind of people who would randomly crap on the University of Minnesota at Crookston. We would only crap on the University of Minnesota at Crookston if we had a really good reason. Like a midfield logo mistake that makes everyone associated with that logo look about 5 yards dumber. The execution? Flawless. Spans 10 yards perfectly. Frankly, it's a little closer to the side closest to whomever was taking the picture, but we'll let it slide compared to the huge lateral error. This is just making everyone look bad, UM Crookston. I mean, c'mon, what is this, the University of Wisconsin at Eau Claire?

Who would even touch that ball with a bat, knowing where his hands have been?

Wow, nine straight batters? That's pretty impressive. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that all nine batters were vomiting uncontrollably, knowing their ball was being fondled by Dog Fister. They say he does it because he claims it gives him a better grip. No one has ever seen him do it, but let's just say there aren't anymore stray dogs hanging around the Tigers' ballpark.

This is the same map as for the question, "Do you mind the smell of cheddar farts?"

After the botched ending to the Packers-Seahawks game this Monday, everyone in the country seems to agree that the NFL owners should cough up some dough and let the real referees get back to work. However, most people still feel like it must be hard for these amateur refs who were suddenly thrust onto the most high-pressure stage outside of the presidential race. Except for Wisconsonites, who are far more agreed on the need to murder replacement refs than they are on whether public employee's wages can rise as fast as inflation.

That crowd has the clearest diction anyone has heard in Baltimore since Poe's time.

Leave it to the city of Edward Allen Poe's fiction and the fictional Omar Little to find the most eloquent expression of our football rage. For the first few weeks, America was willing to tolerate a little indecisiveness from their new NFL referees. Since then, we have been greeted with the kind of officiating chaos rarely seen outside a suburban soccer rec league. And like murderous yuppie parents, America isn't going to let anyone take their precious 300-lb babies' points away. But like those same yuppie parents, we weren't able to phrase our anger with the crude purity of Baltimoreans. Get these losers out of the game, ya heard?

The Saints are going to have to dig deep into themselves to bring the heat this year.

Replacement refs, the election, the economy. There are a lot of reasons the 2012 football season seems to be one of the most lackluster in memory. Is there still fire? Yes. Is that fire still in players' bellies? Hell yes, and it's time to come out. Let's hope the rest of the NFL follows the Saints' lead and the rest of this season finishes with a huge, explosive, gut-level bang. A smelly bang.

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Scottie Pippen must have really needed the money. He can't afford chairs.

One of the perks of being a pro athlete is getting paid to endorse products for money and free swag. One of the downsides of being a pro athlete is getting paid to endorse weird products with low-budget, bizarre ads. Scottie Pippen is no stranger to this game, lending his name to Mr. Submarine sandwiches, the most prominent submarine sandwich chain to ever come out of Toronto. Since then, Mr. Submarine has changed it's name to Mr. Sub and it's motto to "More Than Enough", which are ironically, Pippen's motto and BDSM nickname.

Really great pickup on that grenade. Textbook release. Good hustle all around.

Obnoxious fans, right? Sure, there are still some throw-things-on-the-field traditions. Some schools throw toast on the field, some hockey fans throw squids or something (hockey! remember when that sport still existed?), and Iranians throw grenades. Way to buck stereotypes, Iranian soccer fans. The guy in the video picks it up and tosses it so casually he clearly just thinks it's normal litter, but when it detonates on impact, he calmly jogs off at the same pace he'd go back to a time-out huddle. It's a good thing he didn't kick it, or he'd have to go to The Hurt Foot Locker. Ok, we'll stop.