Utah fans win like they ejaculate: early and rarely.

Look, we get it. You haven't won in a while, you're really excited, and you can't quite wait for the other team to finish all the way. It happens. Especially when you've really, really wanted to beat the other team for a long time. You live near each other, you have similar interests, you have a love/hate thing going on, and you just want to pound the ball in their end zone. With a little practice, you'll be able to spill out onto the field right as the whistle blows for both of you. But seriously, three times in one night? You need some practice.

Yo, bro, you need a video? Because I've got a hell of a mouth.

Playing professional sports nowadays requires specialization. The best rain day receiver, the best running quarterback, or Tim Tebow.  Brian Cushing plays linebacker, a position where its hard to stand out and be seen. So he's opted to be heard, a lot. In high school, this was the guy screaming at nerds that they weren't pumped up enough at the pep rally before getting drunk that night and telling his teammates it was all about love. That being said, he's the best we've ever seen.

All great art requires sacrifice. Socrates gave his life to defend intellectual freedom. Beethoven went deaf rocking out too hard. Michaelangelo really messed up his back doing the Sistine Chapel. This man was kicked out of a baseball game for a virtuoso performance on the Air Skin Flutes. Sacrifice.

The only question we're left with is how did that Marine's hat get so wobbly?

If you're a college football player, you're probably used to being the most important person anywhere on campus. Unless you meet a US Marine. If you're a business executive, you're probably used to commanding the attention of everyone in the room, unless a US Marine suddenly shows up. If you're an actor, people come up to you constantly and thank you for speaking to them with your roles, unless a Marine shows up in which case everyone should thank them for everything. And if you're a US Marine, thank you and please don't ever do this to us because just watching this .gif is terrifying.

Area Man Doesn't Get That Joke Article About Him Is A Joke

There is nothing better than when the Onion convinces someone their stories are real. They convinced China a greedy US Senate was going to leave Washington D.C. for a city promising to build a retractable Capitol Dome. Politicians fall for them about once a year, three or four times during eleciton years. But oh so rarely does The Onion achieve the beautiful act of fooling just one person. The person the article is about. The person who should know, above all others, this is a fake articles. That is craftsmanship. Check out his chagrinned response:

Peeps got jokes. I hope he describes the next fakeout he sees as being "on Satire!"

Welcome to the winner-take-all world of casual fitness.

Everyone is talking about an obesity epidemic, but no one talks about how many people are working out these days. It's just dangerous. How many people can really be trusted with physical strength? Construction workers, whose only artistic outlet is creating complex whistles and catcalls (some scholars think it's a form of poetry like the limerick), are but poor helpless kittens compared to the ferocity of the yoga-panted gangs going around and inflicting pain on them. Sure, don't believe us now. The last thing you will ever see is a pack of in-shape women jogging relentlessly after your flesh.

Don't look, but this guy is standing behind you right now.

Standing behind people on TV has been a proud tradition since people figured out the camera will just film any old face that walks in front of it. This is 90% of what makes the Today show work. It can be a little creepy, and a little fratty, but its all in good fun usually. This guy, however, hits the total creep trifecta: he makes way too much eye contact with not nearly enough blinking, he's standing way too close to everyone, and he looks like he might steal their jockstraps later. Worse, he clearly thinks he's awesome.

EVERYONE BEHIND THIS MAN GOT UP AND LEFT.

There are some things that just don't belong in baseball, like crying and steroids. Then there are things that don't belong in baseball, on a t-shirt, or in life — like a Nickleback shirt, for example. There is free speech in this country, and then there's inciting violence by wearing something that will make most rational people fly into an inchoate rage. Not even the ACLU is going to stand up for this shirt.

It's brave enough being gay in the machismo world of soccer. But on different teams? Taboo.

Some people may want to call it an "error" or a "glitch:, but we choose to call it "beautiful". Although soccer is oft lampooned as a sport of crying, skinny drama queens, the last time we saw meaningful male head-on-head contact in soccer was when Zidane forehead-kissed  Materazzi in the World Cup. Finally, we can say goodbye are the homophobic days of teabagging your opponent after a late hit in NFL Blitz, and prepare ourselves for the era of ferociously kissing your friend's avatar after he scores a goal that just makes you so... so... come here.

Come on! That was an unfair slide! I can't stay mad at you. Whoah, low touch!