The AbHancer — '8-Minute Abs' in only 8 seconds.

We all want to get in shape without giving up our gluttonous eating habits or trying. Unfortunately, if this list of ridiculous products is any indication, in order do that we all must be willing to lose any sense of self-respect we have. Let us know if you see or, dare we say, own any more of these absurd contraptions. And remember: Laughter burns calories! Probably. 

If you're like us, you probably don't know anything about Niger other than that it's a country somewhere in Africa and is different from Nigeria, which is also a country in Africa, and which you also know nothing about. Luckily though, such rudimentary knowledge is all anyone needs to thoroughly enjoy this "ignorant twat's" ignorant twattiness.

Actually, what's amazing is that this ad copywriter doesn't seem to know what "The Shocker" is. It's like, come on bro, were you even in a fraternity? 

Point Pleasant Big Blacks

Picking a decent high school mascot is difficult, especially when the classic school name + racial epithet formula faces increasing hostility. Some teams overcome the challenge of picking a likable symbol behind which to rally and some do not. Here's our list of schools which sadly do not.

Shenanigans! Shenanigans! He just tried to throw "Paper" and "Rock" in the same turn!

Much is made about excessive celebration these days, but seldom do you year about excessive awkwardbration — and that's not just because we made it up 5 minutes ago! Awkwardbration is everywhere in sports, and, surprisingly, happens to fewer white people than you'd think (but still mostly white people). Here are more of the best examples of this hilarious phenomenon captured in animated GIF form.

Not everyone can have parents who love and respect them — just ask former Negro Leagues manager Cum Posey, whose name is unfortunately just two typos away from being the most unimaginative porn movie title. Here's our list of other athletes whose parents also hate them. Let us know if you see any more. 

Sportswriters have it tough. When they're not pulling all-nighters following a late game in a race against old media's publication deadlines, they're scrambling to update a blog post with breaking news before the next guy tweets it first. They're also dealing with athlete surnames that can literally write their own dick jokes. It's an award-winning recipe for failure, and fail these headlines have in the most weirdly sexual ways. We've compiled the best examples of these hilariously unfortunate headlines.

There are good haircuts, there are bad haircuts, and then there are haircuts which are so creepy they can actually get you in trouble with your principal. San Antonino middle school student Patrick Gonzalez found this out the hard way when he recently allowed what we can only assume was 1992 Vanilla Ice's barber to shave Spurs star Matt Bonner into the back of his ginger rag. Responding to the 'do, officials at his school issued an ultimatum, telling Gonzalez could either shave his head or be suspended until the "distraction" grew back. Still no word on what Gonzalez plans to do or whether the school also plans to force him to dye his demon red hair some other color which doesn't terrify farm animals, women and children. 

You can either get a good haircut or you can get a $5 haircut, but in no universe can you get both. It seems Carolina Panthers QB Jimmy Clausen found this out the hard way after a recent trip to his neighborhood SuperCuts. Now in case you aren't familiar, SuperCuts is a hair salon that specializes in giving people cheap, slightly better haircuts than they could give themselves while drunk and jumping up and down on a pogo stick. And apparently, they "guarantee" them, which is great because explaining that your dumpy haircut was "guaranteed" really shuts up anyone making fun of it. Luckily for Clausen though, his horrible quarterbacking is more than enough to distract anyone from his horrible hair.