- posted 07/02/2012
"It's all in the wrist. And forearm. And deltoids. And neck muscles. Oops, I broke it."
Yesterday, Mario Balotelli was a world-famous Italian soccer player no one (in America) had ever heard of. Then he took his shirt off and tried to look intimidating in the general direction of the German soccer team. Today, he is the Internet. Every once in a while, a professional athlete strikes a pose so profound, so honest, so mind-bogglingly stupid-looking that it transcends time and place to include anything Photoshop and the cretins who own it can imagine. This meme quickly generated hundreds of amateur attempts, and much like the specimens of humanity who made the photos, about 30% of them were racist, 30% were incomprehensible, 30% were just awful, and 99% of them were all three. Here is the 1% that cleared the incredibly high bar that is Jockular.
- posted 03/05/2012
The AbHancer — '8-Minute Abs' in only 8 seconds.
We all want to get in shape without giving up our gluttonous eating habits or trying. Unfortunately, if this list of ridiculous products is any indication, in order do that we all must be willing to lose any sense of self-respect we have. Let us know if you see or, dare we say, own any more of these absurd contraptions. And remember: Laughter burns calories! Probably.
- posted 08/22/2012
"We just want you to feel as comfortable as possible. This is what you like, right?"
Augusta National Golf Club, home of the Masters and the last great hope of sexists everywhere, invited Condaleeza Rice and some other lady to be their first female members yesterday. And we're all really excited that Augusta is finally joining the early 20th century, however, there is some concern that after so many years of overt sexism, they may just not be ready yet to truly integrate. After some investigating, we suspect that our fears may be true and that Augusta may just not know quite what to do with women. Check out some of these ways the green jackets are laying out the red carpet:
- posted 08/07/2012
What's most interesting is we're only talking about ONE of these dicks.
For most of us, the phrase "that's not a boner!" calls to mind the awkward fold that pants can make when you sit down, usually in middle school (when, by the way, there was a good chance you actually had a boner underneath that awkward fold in your pants). For Henrik Rummel, US Olympic rower and gold medalist in the four-man coxless event (we kid you not, this picture of four dicks was from the four man coxless race), that's just something he apparently has to say over and over again because he is a large man in little shorts. That doesn't mean he still doesn't get self-conscious, because he took to the ultimate arbiter of Internet truth, Reddit, to defend himself:
- posted 03/06/2012
Sharon Simmons, 55 - Dallas Cowboys (2012?)
Good news for football fans with a mature fetish: 55 year-old Sharon Simmons is trying out for the 2012 Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad (there she is pictured above, in all her sinewy, sun-damaged glory). If she can successfully demonstrate her flexibility, stamina, and ability not to crap her hot pants during jump splits, Sharon will become the most chronologically advanced cheerleader in NFL history. But she wouldn't be the first MILF or GILF to earn a spot on a pro cheerleading roster. Here's a tasteful look at the 7 oldest and boldest ladies to ever grace the sidelines.
- posted 09/11/2012
This is why cardio is important, to look good naked to the guards running behind you.
We all know the usual stripper routine: someone runs out on the field, avoids getting caught for 10-15 seconds and is tackled and has a blanket put on them. A man, the crowd cheers. A woman, the crowd boos. We know the script. This man broke the streak (did you see what I blindlingly obviously did there?) by going all Thomas Crowne Affair and having a second part to his elaborate plan: a daring escape over wire fences (while naked) and then the big twist ending.
- posted 05/03/2012
In our opinion, verifying that a jock strap has been previously worn by a baseball player actually decreases its value. But then again, we're not disgusting used-underwear-collecting perverts, so what do we know?
- posted 09/13/2012
It's brave enough being gay in the machismo world of soccer. But on different teams? Taboo.
Some people may want to call it an "error" or a "glitch:, but we choose to call it "beautiful". Although soccer is oft lampooned as a sport of crying, skinny drama queens, the last time we saw meaningful male head-on-head contact in soccer was when Zidane forehead-kissed Materazzi in the World Cup. Finally, we can say goodbye are the homophobic days of teabagging your opponent after a late hit in NFL Blitz, and prepare ourselves for the era of ferociously kissing your friend's avatar after he scores a goal that just makes you so... so... come here.
Come on! That was an unfair slide! I can't stay mad at you. Whoah, low touch![ Via Reddit ]
- posted 08/10/2012
"I'LL DO THE WAVE IN POST!"
Never has a gif made us like Donald Trump more (relatively speaking). Look how he's just checking out whoever's daughters those are on the right. That's how he forgets to do the wave. "What's that? It's over? The wave always waits for Donald. Boom. I waved." Bill O'Reilly, on the other hand, looks like he's about to tell the Yankees to get off his lawn. Medically speaking, that he is also looking at women 30-40 years younger and can only manage to get one index finger up is not a good sign for his cardiovascular health. Also, he probably can't get a boner. His apathetic finger-pop is speaking such loud volumes about how badly he needs a visit from the ghost of Christmas what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you that if he were on the air, he would have his finger's mic cut off.
- posted 08/02/2012
"I got it from here."
Pinkeye. Conjunctivitis. The silent embarrassor. A disease we've all had (when we were kids) and a disease we don't like to talk about, because it means that somehow, sometime, somewhere...stuff got from out butts to our eyes. How is that possible? God put butts really far away from eyes for two reasons: 1.) Most butts are not pleasant to look at (Ms. Walsh not included) and 2.) Pinkeye. Despite all this, somehow one-half of the United States' most important Olympic team has butt-in-eyeball disease. How could this happen? Simple: Kerri Walsh loves butt-touching way too much. Here are some of the leading butt-suspects in our first independent Jockular Buttvestigation: