Sexual deviants may be a lot of things, but uncreative when it comes finding new ways to be creepy isn't one of them. Just look at this guy. He's like a bald, perverted Transformer.

The Catch-22 here is that if you're actually able to make it to the store to purchase this game you've already proved you don't need it. 

The physical talents, the public adulation, the scholarships to universities and the possibilities to become multi-millionaire professionals — athletes have it all. But not all athletes. The ones whose arrests are catalogued in this list are lacking two very important things: a modicum of impulse control and an understanding of market value. Because c'mon, Doritos? Hashbrowns? Tacos? If you're going to steal, steal big! 

This is why we encourage our readers to stay indoors at all times.

When it comes to products that purport to make the average person run faster and jump higher despite the average person's embarrassing lack of athleticism and physical fitness, needless to say, bulls**t is what sells. But suppose for a minute that there were a brutally honest Don Draper out there just waiting to tell you the truth about the crap he was selling? What would that look like? Here are eight of our best guesses. 

You'd think Ben Zobrist would lead a more exciting lifestyle as Major League baseball player. You'd think wrong. The scoreboard may as well have read, "Ben & his wife enjoy spending their Saturdays at Home Depot, buying wallpaper, some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond if they have enough time."

Brewers relief pitcher John "The Ax" Axford blew a chance at fifty straight saves on Saturday night, though it appears he didn't seem too beat up about it. Truth be told, his light-hearted approach may have just inspired the new, easy-to-write, honest voice of this website. Funny analogy. Cliche, cliche. Humorous '80s movie reference. Slightly re-worded cliche so as to make it funny. Stupid pun. Penis joke. Gotta go!

Though the Capitals suffered a heartbreaking defeat in game seven on Saturday, the silver-lining for goalie Braden Holtby is that he will now be free to spend time with his new baby — a baby which was apparently concieved via in-vitro-Gatorade-bottle-fertilization. Or at least that's what the utter lack of judgment on behalf of this column's editor would have you believe. Hard to say really. We don't keep up with artifical fertilization techniques as much as we probably should.