The only question we're left with is how did that Marine's hat get so wobbly?

If you're a college football player, you're probably used to being the most important person anywhere on campus. Unless you meet a US Marine. If you're a business executive, you're probably used to commanding the attention of everyone in the room, unless a US Marine suddenly shows up. If you're an actor, people come up to you constantly and thank you for speaking to them with your roles, unless a Marine shows up in which case everyone should thank them for everything. And if you're a US Marine, thank you and please don't ever do this to us because just watching this .gif is terrifying.

Area Man Doesn't Get That Joke Article About Him Is A Joke

There is nothing better than when the Onion convinces someone their stories are real. They convinced China a greedy US Senate was going to leave Washington D.C. for a city promising to build a retractable Capitol Dome. Politicians fall for them about once a year, three or four times during eleciton years. But oh so rarely does The Onion achieve the beautiful act of fooling just one person. The person the article is about. The person who should know, above all others, this is a fake articles. That is craftsmanship. Check out his chagrinned response:

Peeps got jokes. I hope he describes the next fakeout he sees as being "on Satire!"

Welcome to the winner-take-all world of casual fitness.

Everyone is talking about an obesity epidemic, but no one talks about how many people are working out these days. It's just dangerous. How many people can really be trusted with physical strength? Construction workers, whose only artistic outlet is creating complex whistles and catcalls (some scholars think it's a form of poetry like the limerick), are but poor helpless kittens compared to the ferocity of the yoga-panted gangs going around and inflicting pain on them. Sure, don't believe us now. The last thing you will ever see is a pack of in-shape women jogging relentlessly after your flesh.

EVERYONE BEHIND THIS MAN GOT UP AND LEFT.

There are some things that just don't belong in baseball, like crying and steroids. Then there are things that don't belong in baseball, on a t-shirt, or in life — like a Nickleback shirt, for example. There is free speech in this country, and then there's inciting violence by wearing something that will make most rational people fly into an inchoate rage. Not even the ACLU is going to stand up for this shirt.

It's brave enough being gay in the machismo world of soccer. But on different teams? Taboo.

Some people may want to call it an "error" or a "glitch:, but we choose to call it "beautiful". Although soccer is oft lampooned as a sport of crying, skinny drama queens, the last time we saw meaningful male head-on-head contact in soccer was when Zidane forehead-kissed  Materazzi in the World Cup. Finally, we can say goodbye are the homophobic days of teabagging your opponent after a late hit in NFL Blitz, and prepare ourselves for the era of ferociously kissing your friend's avatar after he scores a goal that just makes you so... so... come here.

Come on! That was an unfair slide! I can't stay mad at you. Whoah, low touch!

Good pubic education requires a partner, and for many people in the Red Lion area that partner is Don Dimoff. Don Dimoff is an experienced pubic education communications manager. If you need the word put out that your pubic school is open for eager beavers everywhere, Don Dimoff is the guy who will market your pubis to the public. 

Sports are sweaty, full-contact, and for the most part played with equipment that resembles either a penis, a testicle or both. Thus, it's no surprise that players can easily find themselves featured in the sorts of compromising images one would normally have to hack an iPhone to find. Here are some of our favorites. Enjoy them. You deserve it. 

This is why cardio is important, to look good naked to the guards running behind you.

We all know the usual stripper routine: someone runs out on the field, avoids getting caught for 10-15 seconds and is tackled and has a blanket put on them. A man, the crowd cheers. A woman, the crowd boos. We know the script. This man broke the streak (did you see what I blindlingly obviously did there?) by going all Thomas Crowne Affair and having a second part to his elaborate plan: a daring escape over wire fences (while naked) and then the big twist ending. 

Judging by his profile pic, Buster Olney has taken a few hits to the face as well.

When you take a hardball propelled by a pro baseball player right above your left eye socket, you pretty much have three options: explode on impact, become a vegetable, or embody the kind of awesomeness that tequila companies need to invent a fictional character to convey. Brandon McCarthy, A's pitcher and A-list tweeter, may be taking a self-deprecating rout, but the awesomeness is undeniable - just look at the video of him getting flattened: