Don't look at Lochte, girls! Look here at the shiny!

America is all about working hard and getting rewarded for it, and our swimmers are no different. It's just like we tell our kids: you may be way too weird-looking to be President, but if you find a skill that you're good at and keep practicing, you too can be awash in gold and groupies. (Please, Fate, don't punish us for that joke by making Phelps the President in the future. Unless that future is Waterworld.) Forget the medal count, we here at Jockular want to know how far ahead our swim team put us in the nookie count (the Chinese are at 45). Let's not pretend that this is an all-male event, either. The ladies were pulling their share of good-looking hangers-on as well. Except for Missy Franklin, whom we hope was being locked in her room under protective custody.